Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Longest Spam Message Ever

I received an e-mail recently from someone named Adriana with the subject, "Hey." While most messages with this subject go straight to my Spam folder, this one managed to reach my inbox. Unlike most spam messages with a sentence or two followed by a link, this is a novel. I thought I would share such amazing prose and my thoughts. Please note that some of the text is PG-13.

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?

Sean's notes: Babe? Hopefully, that's for Babe Ruth rather than Babe the pig.

In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..

Right effing near me? Totally tubular dude! By the way, I think having three cousins, family, counts as people you know.

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA!

For the record, I've never said I "wanted to chill" with anyone.

im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even help me move my [stuff] in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe...

The misspellings and poor grammar are really starting to bother me. Plus, is it that hard to capitalize I?

we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel..

Hold the phone! You're moving right effing near me and I'm the only person you know (besides your family). Yet, you need to tell me your age, sign and what you like to do. Shouldn't I know this already?

i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death...

Owning a cat changes everything. I love my cat Ziggy too.

uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..

How can you be 23 and spell girl incorrectly? Shouldn't you know how to spell girl in first grade? Yes, that's what I'm focused on.

I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..

do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring?

Please send me your resume, cover letter, salary requirements and a writing sample. Actually, don't send the writing sample. That's not going to help.

id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)?

What's the proper response to bomb right?

I KNOW.. like i figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and [deleted since I try to maintain a PG-13 blog] heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...

Why does your e-mail account not let you login? I'm not a computer person, but I tend to think that's a user error.

if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST U... im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move.. also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :(

You better hope Congress works something out with the student loan interest rates. Actually, you should share the password with some of the Members of Congress. That could be a good way to earn money.

I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now..

No, I'm not at all annoyed. Please continue.

im gonna go start work.. i really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign to see u in my chat room..

While I may not be an internet expert, don't you need internet to access your chat room?

rmemeber its 100% free with this code im gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS INSTEAD OF [something else] WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im out for now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana

After all that, she never game me the password. Oh, there was a link included at the end of the message, but I'm worried it would take me 2-3 weeks to set up my internet if I click it.


Harvey said...

AWESOME! That's better than the stuff I get: "Hello. I am beautiful 23 year old Russian girl, looking for man to take care of me. I will take good care of him.".
Or, the spam from Christian Mingle. I am not Christian & I am not looking to mingle. : )

Unknown said...

Damn, i thought she was moving near me.

And yes that was on purpose...

Amy said...

I also get spam from Adriana but never open it. But she seems fascinating! Maybe I'll read it next time.

Amy said...

OMG I actually got the exact same email from Adriana TODAY. And here I thought I was special to her.

Sean said...

Josh & Amy - So Ariana's message wasn't just for me? She goes around calling everyone babe?

Harvey - I get the same messages that you do and also feel the same way about the Mingling Christians?

lacochran's evil twin said...

Wow! It's definitely real. She seems like such a nice woman, I'm sure your wife will understand.