Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Pittsburgh Guest Blogger Event 2015

Today’s post comes from Stephen of the Crank Crank Revolution, and is part of a special day of shenanigans from other Pittsburgh Bloggers. You can see my post over on Jelly Jars where I share a never-written about story about trying to impress my wife by biking on our honeymoon.


I don't need to tell many people this, but Pittsburgh is a very interesting city. Its economy is unique, its rich history is amazingly singular, and--most importantly--its people are extraordinarily distinctive.

Pittsburghers pride themselves in being different, in whatever way that manifests itself.

I'm actually quite surprised, however, that there hasn't been a movement to create a sort of Pittsburgh currency. Sure, it's illegal, what with the Constitution stating that only the federal government gets to coin money, but the Constitution also tells you not to make a left turn first at the intersection, so whatever. Still, an unofficial currency that is indicative of the city itself would certainly be interesting.

Let's take a look at how we could pay various costs with some iconic Pittsburgh items. I'm assuming that all items are worth their full retail value, here, because double-entry bookkeeping is for charlatans and suckers.

If you sold 3,296 Smiley Cookies from Eat N' Park, you could have bought the August Wilson Center at a sheriff's sale.

In order to match the profits that UPMC totally didn't make in 2014 because they are a non-profit, you would have to win and then sell 7,600 Lombardi Trophies. There are people in Pittsburgh who think this is entirely possible, and I'm not gonna tell them no.

You would have to sling 1770 baskets of Potato Patch Fries to be able to pay the median property taxes in Fox Chapel. That's a whole lot of trips of sending your servants to an amusement park!

Franco Harris would have to sell 397,674,419 Super Donuts to pay off Penn State's legal bills. He's trying his hardest.

You would have to let 105,541 people into the Carnegie Science Center to match the amount that Henry Clay Frick left to the park to totally square things with all those people he shot in Homestead.

You would have to sell 4,065,470 CDs of Donnie Iris's 1980 debut album Back To The Streets to be able to pay the Pittsburgh Pirates payroll this year. If you are unfortunate enough to live in Lawrenceville, it's going to take 7,738,693 vinyl albums. If you drive a 1995 Ford F150 in Butler County, you would need to sell 62,096,774 cassette tapes to cover the cost.

You would have to sell 154 Wholey Fish Sandwiches to be able to pay for One Trash Can With Luke Ravenstahl's Name On It.

You would have to save 42,799,678 Parking Spaces With A Plastic Lawn Chair in order to pay for the entire North Shore Connector.

It would have taken 440,252 Terrible Towels to match the payout from the lottery that Nick Perry rigged in 1980.

Heinz would have had to shoot 6,533,200,000 pounds of Mount Lebanon venison in order to merge with Kraft.

I don't know about you, but I think Fuelperks just got a lot more interesting.


Please check out all of these amazing Pittsburgh bloggers participating in this now annual event:

Sean’s Ramblings (hey, that's me!)
 

You can also like Sean's Ramblings on Facebook.

2 comments:

Ya Jagoff said...

LOL.... Brilliant as always sir!!!! I think I would horde my potato patch fries like a 1913 Liberty Head V Nickel!! Happy April Fools yinz!!

Josh Croyle said...

I love stuff like this. Since I work for the place for smiles, I want to figure out how many cookies it would take to reach the moon...