Thursday, September 05, 2019

Kamala, Katy, Ariana, & Demi

My friend Josh recently included this picture as part of a post regarding his 2020 Democratic Primary Fantasy League.

This is Presidential candidate and California Senator Kamala Harris with pop musicians Katy Perry, Ariana Grande, and Demi Lovato. I would have loved to have been in the room to hear the conversation between these women. And actually, maybe I was. Here is a brief transcript of that conversation.

Katy Perry: Senator Harris, we’re so excited that you’re here to meet with us today.

Kamala Harris: Oh please just call me Kamala. I’m honored to be meeting all of you. You know how important it is to get young people out to vote and to engage in our democratic process, and I appreciate you encouraging your fans to do this.

Perry: The three of us talked about it, and we want to endorse you to be the next President of the United States. However, we want to know that you’re real. What we mean is that if you want us to encourage our fans to vote for you, we need to know that you know us and aren't just pandering.

Harris: Yes, I know that you have a cat named Kitty Purry. That’s wonderful.

Perry: Oh, Kitty Purry is the sweetest. Anyway, to show that you’re in touch with the youth of this country, we want you to name your favorite song of ours.

Harris: Well, I really think that young Americans will care about my plans on healthcare and education and the environment.

Perry: Do you want us to call Elizabeth Warren?

Harris: Fine.

Ariana Grande: Me first.

Harris: Um, okay. My favorite song of yours is Thank U, Next. I love how you sing about growing from each of your past relationships and how that has helped you become a better you. It’s really an empowering song for women.

Perry: What about my song?

Harris: Well, Katy, I want to say Firework, but since both of us represent the great state of California, I’m definitely going with California Gurls. Us California girls need to stick together! (Gives Perry an awkward high five.)

Demi Lovato: What about me?

Harris: Oh, um, you have so many great songs that it’s hard to choose just one.

Lovato: Well, then give me several of your favorites.

Harris: Well, if I have to pick one, it would be (6 second pause which seems like hours), Party in the USA.

Lovato: That’s Miley Cyrus!

We interrupt this conversation for a choose your own adventure. There are two possibilities here. You can see what happens when I was in the room for the discussion (Ariana and I have a history) and when I was not. For the option of me NOT being in the room, continue reading below. For the option of me being in the room, skip to after the picture.

You chose the option of the four women continuing their conversation.

Harris: Fine, I can’t name one of your songs. I do know that you have had some rough times, and I’m glad to see that you’re doing well. You'll see that my plan is to increase funding for healthcare, both physical and mental. Besides, do you think that Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders know your songs? We both know that you’re not going endorse Biden.

Lovato: True.

Perry: So are you going to meet with Taylor Swift too?

Harris: I haven’t really thought about it, but I’m looking into more ways to connect with younger voters, so it’s a possibility,

Perry: Taylor and I are friends again, so I can put in a good word for you.

Harris: Thanks!

Perry: You just probably shouldn’t mention that you met with us at Scooter Braun’s house.

Harris: Why?

Perry, Grande, and Levato go through the entire ordeal which can just be summed up here. Harris tries several times to switch subjects with no success. Finally,

Harris: That’s really interesting, and I hope it works out. As President, I will do my best to make sure that Taylor Swift is not engaged in any more feuds.

Perry: Thank you, Kamala. You have my endorsement.

Lovato and Grande: Me too.

Harris: Excellent!

You chose the scenario with me in the room.

Harris: Well, if I have to pick one, it would be (6 second pause which seems like hours), Party in the USA.

Lovato: That’s Miley Cyrus!

Sean (who was hiding behind the curtain): Senator Harris. Demi’s best song is clearly Cool for the Summer or Confident and

Harris: Security!

Grande: Sean! Is that you? I’m so glad to see you. I’ve missed you so much.

Harris: You know him?

Grande: Of course. This is the Sean from the first line of Thank U, Next.

Security: Yes, Senator.

Harris: It’s okay. He can stay.

Perry: Wait, this is Sean. Wow! He’s the one who got away.

Lovato: Sean, let me give your heart a break.

Harris: I think I’m going to go now. It was a pleasure meeting with all of you. And Sean, I could use a person like you in my administration. These three extraordinary women obviously think highly of you, so I think you could be a valuable asset to my campaign and administration. I'm not sure why you were hiding behind that curtain though.

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