The Vasectomy

Let me preface this post by writing that this is TV-14 or TV-MA for content that may be unsuitable for children under 14, 17, or even 35. Viewer discretion is advised.

Nearly three months ago, we welcomed Luigi to our family. We also decided that Luigi would not be an older brother, in part due to some of my concerns already being a father of three. So on Wednesday, I did my part to take one for the team. And by my part, I mean I put on a hospital gown and went to sleep, but more on that later.

I asked multiple people for recommendations for a urologist. When two people, a friend and my wife's OB-GYN, both suggested the same doctor, we had a winner. While the doctor clearly explained the procedure, what I remember most from my consultation was a picture of him with NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana from probably 20 years ago hanging in the lobby. Although I didn't ask the doctor, I wondered if Montana was a previous patient. We'll get back to Montana momentarily.

Prior to the surgery, I needed to complete an online registration. Everything was fine except for the question about the reason for the procedure. I initially skipped this question, but since it was required, this is what I entered:

I mean are there any other answers?

I was also instructed to wear loose fitting clothes. It seems like I had no other options than to wear this:

The MC Hammer shirt was actually somewhat tight, so I wore a long-sleeve T-shirt instead.

Even though I didn't have a chance to start reading, I brought the book Emily Alone by Stewart O'Nan with me. I received this book recommendation by listening to Rick Sebak on a Ya Jagoff! podcast. How Pittsburgh is that last sentence?

To the procedure itself, I've had anesthetic only 2 or 3 times in my life when I got my tonsils out at age 4 or 5, possibly when my wisdom teeth were removed in high school, and now for this vasectomy. I was given an IV and then had a mask put over my mouth. I was out in seconds after the mask was put on. Though I planned on writing everything that happened during the vasectomy, all that I remember is that a Flo Rida song was being played in the operating room. Why Flo Rida? Other than that, I have no idea what happened and how I woke up wearing a jock strap. (On a completely different subject, how did former Pittsburgh Penguin Jock Callander never do endorsement for a jock strap company?)

As expected, when I woke up from the anesthetic, I was a little loopy. My wife dropped me off for the procedure to be home with Luigi. The surgical center called her to pick me up, and over the course of the next few hours, I asked her on three separate occasions what time they called her. Otherwise, I enjoyed the Teddy Grahams the surgical center had for me. Then, I went home and spent much of the day in bed and placing an ice pack on the, um, operated area.

I'm supposed to be sore for several days and must refrain from physical activity. My doctor said that I shouldn't be in a rodeo and do any alligator wrestling. Fortunately, I did both last weekend. (What, that's not part of your Thanksgiving tradition?)

I almost forgot that I received these socks for getting the vasectomy. This really should be a selling point. Have surgery and get a free pair of socks!

I'll try to be delicate here, but this is where the mature audience piece comes in. Despite getting a vasectomy, there are still some, um, rounds in the chamber. The doctor said that I need to be the master of my domain 20 times over the next 10 weeks before I'm sterile. He said that it's both 20 times and 10 weeks, so 20 times in less that 10 weeks isn't enough, apparently. So now, I wonder if Joe Montana had a vasectomy and, like the Saturday Night Live skit, told his family that he needed to go upstairs to be master of his domain.