John Rambo vs. Jason Bourne

Here’s an extremely important question to start your week: Who would win in a fight between John Rambo and Jason Bourne? Let’s go to the tale of the tape:

John Rambo



• Green Beret
• Vietnam War Veteran
• Skilled in many aspects of survival, weaponry, hand-to-hand combat and guerrilla warfare
• Awarded Medal of Honor, Purple Heart, Silver Star and Bronze Star among honors
• Disliked by Brian Dennehy
• Partnered with Estelle Getty in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
• Likely took human growth hormone (HGH)
• Married and divorced Brigitte Nielsen
• Played outfield and first base for the Pittsburgh Pirates in the late 80s.

Jason Bourne


• Army Special Forces Captain
• Part of a secret CIA black-ops program
• Highly adept at hand-to-hand combat and also shows an immediate ability to utilize lateral thinking to solve problems. (ex. used a pen to stab an assassin and a book and towel as defense.)
• Seems to run into Julia Stiles fairly frequently
• “Fucking Sara Silverman”
• Stuck to Greg Kinnear
• Probably did not take HGH

To be fair, let’s assume that Rambo and Bourne are both the same age during this fight. In addition, there are no weapons involved; simply hand-to-hand combat. So who would win? Make your selection in the comments and feel free to explain your answer.